One Kill

One powerful kill, one powerful swing, one powerful hit, one powerful dunk… it seems like men live for these moments. I was watching the NCAA men’s volleyball finals with my hubby the other night. One of the men went up for a kill and before you had the chance to enjoy his approach, he had already reached 12 feet in the air and pounded the ball straight to the floor. With the magic of DVR, we watched it over and over, amazed at the power that could be focused so precisely. Of course, we see this a lot in our sports home. It’s what makes the Top 10 on Sports Center, power and precision. We have watched the greatest baseball catches over and over; the greatest tackles that are more like a semi hitting a bird on the freeway. We have all made the “oooooh!” reaction to the greatest dunks. It’s what men live for; the power of a real life superhero.

Could our hubbies be trying to tell us something when they say, “Hey honey, watch this!” As much as we sometimes want to say, “Hey honey, I have laundry to do!” maybe something more powerful would be to sit and watch. Give that powerful hit time to sink in. I think it’s safe to say that men want to be the real life superhero. Maybe not in volleyball or basketball but in life. The don’t want to be blocked or run over. They want to harness the power that makes a difference in their game of life. They want to be the one who gets the pass on a last second shot or stops the play at the one yard line. They want to feel like their choice has meaning; that we need them when the pressure is on.

Whatever it is he wants you to watch, watch it. The power and precision he is showing you is himself. It has always been him.

Challenge: Sit down and watch his favorite sport and then write down the powerful traits that you see in your husband.

Pic by The Armstrong's on Flickr

Man in the Cage

When I was younger, I used to wonder why the heck guys wrestled. What's so great about being twisted up with another sweaty, dirty, gritty guy? Well, my husband coaxed me into watching some cage fights on TV. I was "taken down" by the raw, truly, man to man art form. These guys work day in and day out so they are in the best shape their body can handle, just to fight another opponent for a maximum of 9 minutes. They combine all martial arts, some including boxing, kick-boxing and wrestling; no weakness is allowed and no escape is possible. Hence the cage.

I was thinking about why this is such a big deal to guys. I started to realize that my husbands brain works just like these fights. When he has something on his mind or in the cage, he doesn't tell me about it right away. Why? Because he is trying to decide which opponent he needs to be to overcome an obstacle. Is he the explosive fighter with all the tattoos? Or is he the one with a longer reach and dynamite wrestling moves? What is it going to take within himself that can help him get that new job, make that deadline, or overcome that nagging depression.

As a wife, I want to blow the hinges off the cage door and pull him out of it before he takes another punch. I want to snap him out of this crazy idea that he can face this alone. I want to make the pain go away. I forget that every fight teaches my husband something about himself. It doesn't mean I can't be outside the cage cheering him on. When he is jammed into the corner and sweat, dirt and grit are all he is, I can remind him I'm here. I'm present and even if he taps out, I love him. Because the man in the cage is him. He is that strong, he is that dedicated to his family and he has all the skills he needs to face his world today.

Challenge: It sounds silly, but wrestle with your husband. Be physical with him, find a way to remind him how strong he is.

Lone Tree

When I was a young pre-teen, my family would go hiking. We would just pull the car over during a long trip and go hike up the first mountain we came across. I don't even remember if there were trails, we would make our own anyway. My favorite hike ever was when we went hiking on Bell rock in Sedona, AZ. The red rock was beautiful as it reached high above the green trees around it. My brother and I had strong legs back then, we would race up as fast as we could, my dad being close behind. There were a hundred ways to climb towards the beginning but as the terrain got more difficult I would end up following my brother's path. As we reached the edge of our abilities, we reached the edge of the trail. I remember panting as we walked out on the edge of a huge red boulder. Looking back down towards my mom and sisters making their way up, I saw just how high we had come. I remember sitting down for a rest and looking out along the mountain. I distinctly remember a lone tree sitting on a huge boulder. It was the most beautiful tree I had ever seen, with its outstretched branches and green leaves against the smooth sandy red rock. It had grown through the harshest of environment: wind, rain, hardly any soil. There it stood more beautiful then any other. This tree was an example to me, then and now. Sometimes I wonder why my husband has to be around the harsh and crude language, why the battle of providing for his family rages on day after day. I wonder when he will get a break to notice how far he has really come, how much he has really grown. When will he see how strong he is or how hard he has worked to keep us rooted? I find that the times when I am being that tree myself showing that I can be strong, he gets that sparkle back, he finds that hope to hold on. But when I show him the wind and rain and the frustrations of the day, he sees the frustrations in his own life. I can help him by reflecting the joys of strength in my daily life, so he can see who he is and what he provides for us. Challenge: This week be the tree for your husband. Show him the strength you have by sharing what you love about your life. Notice what he sees in himself. Photo by L-T-L Dick Jensen

Black Hole

I have definitely been in a black hole the past six months and I have to admit, much of my relationship with my husband has suffered. I think that black hole started within my heart, a place I never wanted it to reach. I found myself searching for a problem because nothing was going the way I wanted it to. Nothing was convenient, nothing was exciting, happy, or fulfilling. Nothing was everything. And this may surprise you but everywhere I looked I found nothing.

My husband has been struggling for the past six months (not a coincidence) with his confidence. Many times he has walked into a business situation ready to find a solution and came out with nothing. Not only did he feel unfulfilled and devoid of accomplishment, he had to come home to tell me about it. I would be waiting by the phone or listening for the garage door to sound. I would be excited to hear the solution to our problems, a something amongst all the nothing piling up around us. I can just hear the music in my husband's head, you know, the song of the prisoner walking to the gallows. Dum dum da dum, dum da dum da dum da dum. I'm sure if he had any humor left in his stressed out body, he would have said, "Hi Honey, I'm home and I got nothing." And he would have hoped I said back, "No worries, babe. All we need is you, just the way you are."

How I wish I could say that's how those interactions ended but it was not so. The black hole that was sucking the life out of me was trying to suck others in with it.

But you know, I couldn't have told you that the black hole was me. I couldn't have realized I was the black hole unless I found some light. A black hole cannot be seen without a light, dim or bright. As much as I thought I was looking for the problems, I forgot to turn on the light. How do you fight the nothing inside yourself? I wish the answer was simple, quick, easy, but of course it takes choice, time, and determination. Today, in this moment, I choose to turn up the light by seeing what I love, not what I hate. And guess what? I love my husband and that is enough.

Challenge: Find the light source within yourself. Make a list of the things you love.