Black Hole

I have definitely been in a black hole the past six months and I have to admit, much of my relationship with my husband has suffered. I think that black hole started within my heart, a place I never wanted it to reach. I found myself searching for a problem because nothing was going the way I wanted it to. Nothing was convenient, nothing was exciting, happy, or fulfilling. Nothing was everything. And this may surprise you but everywhere I looked I found nothing.

My husband has been struggling for the past six months (not a coincidence) with his confidence. Many times he has walked into a business situation ready to find a solution and came out with nothing. Not only did he feel unfulfilled and devoid of accomplishment, he had to come home to tell me about it. I would be waiting by the phone or listening for the garage door to sound. I would be excited to hear the solution to our problems, a something amongst all the nothing piling up around us. I can just hear the music in my husband's head, you know, the song of the prisoner walking to the gallows. Dum dum da dum, dum da dum da dum da dum. I'm sure if he had any humor left in his stressed out body, he would have said, "Hi Honey, I'm home and I got nothing." And he would have hoped I said back, "No worries, babe. All we need is you, just the way you are."

How I wish I could say that's how those interactions ended but it was not so. The black hole that was sucking the life out of me was trying to suck others in with it.

But you know, I couldn't have told you that the black hole was me. I couldn't have realized I was the black hole unless I found some light. A black hole cannot be seen without a light, dim or bright. As much as I thought I was looking for the problems, I forgot to turn on the light. How do you fight the nothing inside yourself? I wish the answer was simple, quick, easy, but of course it takes choice, time, and determination. Today, in this moment, I choose to turn up the light by seeing what I love, not what I hate. And guess what? I love my husband and that is enough.

Challenge: Find the light source within yourself. Make a list of the things you love.